This Calls for a Thong

“So how was your anniversary?" I dipped a tortilla chip in the bowl of salsa. "I can't believe you hit the silver one."

"Twenty-five years, same guy," Barb lifted her glass and drew a gentle sip, "same old, same old." The tequila went down slowly.

"I heard you went to Vegas to celebrate. How romantic?" I looked at my finger empty of ring and wondered one life, one man. Hmm? Nah, I love my life.

"I fell asleep." Barb slumped against the back of the booth.

"But that was after the candles and champagne, right?” A negative nod confirmed the anniversary gone south.

She gazed at a couple lost in a kiss at the bar.

"You mean not even a little 'wham-bam'- you know - 'thank-you-ma’am'?" I pushed the envelope of friendship.

"We have that every night." She broke a chip in half. It dropped to the salsa and sank.

I stared at the woman across from me and gulped, "Every night?"

"Pretty routine. Lights out, covers back, in-and-out stuff."

"Best bud, you owe this guy." I grabbed her arm. "Come on, we're going to Macy's lingerie department." I dropped a twenty on the table and added, "And boy, does he owe you."

Warm under the influence of tequila, we trekked to the underwear department of Macy's, high on the third floor.

Felina, Oscar de la Renta, Calvin Klein taunted and teased. French cut, high cut, no cut whispered in sensual vibes, "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby."

I headed for the Cosabella section. I loved the cut, the sensual colors and celebration of sexuality.

“What’s that?” I asked, wryly studying the white cotton briefs with blue flowers in her hands. “Are you planning to go skydiving?”

A perplexed look clouded her face, canceling out the tequila high.

I stretched the panties seam to seam, peeking around the three-layer absorbent panel, “Then you don’t need a parachute.”

“But they’re buy two, get one free,” she countered and started to fill her arms with cotton bounty.

Worse than anticipated, I grabbed her by the hand. Packages with more coverage than an insurance policy tumbled to the ground.

"This calls for a thong." I thumbed through the racks of delicate wisps of strings and tapped my finger on the silver metal bar. "What size? Medium?"

"I can't wear one of these." She dangled the strip of material on her index finger and whispered, "Isn't it uncomfortable?"

"Of course, it's uncomfortable." I snagged three items and held them up to the light for a better look. "But then, you're not supposed to be in them long." I nudged her with my elbow and smiled. "That's the point."

"Take a look at this one." A shimmering pair of blue panties, dotted with rhinestones and a floss of a thong wore a price tag of twenty-five dollars.

"You mean someone would really wear these?" Her voice dropped to a bare hush.

We moved from display to display, sifting through endowed bras to sheer-to-the-nipple. Arms overloaded with elegant bras and skimpy panties, we paraded into the dressing room. We stripped down to the bare necessities and slid intimates off hangers. Adorned in our sexuality, we posed forward, backward, and pursed our lips to the mirrors. We waved to the hidden camera operator.

"Oh my God," hangers rattled inside the dressing room.

I pulled the pleated curtain aside and affirmed, "Oh my God." I covered my mouth, inhaled a snicker, "Maybe neon green isn't your color." I choked on the word, "Or feathers."

A defeated gaze reflected in the mirror as she sighed, “Maybe I should just go home and soak in a hot bath.”

“Not unless he’s with you,” I said, noting to look for bubble bath and floating candles.

“This is so not me,” a plucked feather drifted to the carpet. “It’s hopeless.”

"Try again." I closed the curtain and waited for the next floor show.

"Maybe it'd be easier to roll over and go to sleep." Barb offered from the other side.

"No way, this is serious business. You're in trouble, girlfriend, in the bedroom department." I shouted back, "Come on, bare that booty!"

"Okay, here I come." She parted the drape.

Tight buns, orange thong, what? A cartoon character on the front of her…? I pushed the little nose on the fuzzy bear just inches below her belly button. It played a sorrowful tune of Tonight's the Night.

I shoved her back into the cubicle and said, "Next?"

She donned a pair of red, easy-on-the-eye lace bra and panties and I heard, "Hmm? Yeah…", from the other side of the curtain.

"Wait," I hustled back to the racks of seduction-in-wait and searched for the missing accessory. I separated delicate laces to the left, sorted to the center and there it was. Perfect.

"Here," I tossed the item into the dressing stall.

"Is this a…?" 

"…Yes, snug to fit, guaranteed to please, garter belt." I leaned against the wall, arms crossed over chest, satisfied with my mission. Score one for best buds.

Barb left the store with a small package of lust under arm. I brought something too just because we are friends and that is what friends do.

I hugged her goodbye and slid into my Toyota.

The next morning, midway between my cinnamon scone and French Roast the phone rang. The voice memorized over the years, I knew who it was.

"He loved it," her excitement rang rich with freshness. "He can't thank you enough." I sensed a purr.

I leaned back in my chair, wrapped warm in familiarity, and said, "Want to go out again next week? I know this great toy store that specializes in…"

THE END

© 2013 Cynthia Ballard Borris

2015 Reprinted Not Your Mother's Book...On Sex

Bewitched

Beyond the ads, beyond the sales, lies the truth.

"Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble." Kathryn Ferguson cackled and swirled a crooked finger, casting a fake spell. 

"Rubbish." Lori brushed the invisible hex aside.

"But that was how witches did it, according to Shakespeare." Kathryn protested. "What's more, I saw the movie Hocus Pocus."

"Well, Shakespeare is dead and the sisterhood of witches is still alive and I can prove it." Lori spotted her contact entering the coffee shop. "Quick, hide."

Lori Razzo was investigating modern witchcraft and had found a woman who agreed to take her to a secret meeting of a real coven nearby but only after she agreed to an oath of silence. Under no circumstances was Lori to expose the locale or she would forever pay the price of her tongue wagging. 

The professed witch glanced furtively around the coffee shop, swayed over to the table and drew up a chair. Leaning forward, she spoke definitely, "I'll pick you up on the corner of Seventh and Wicker at 5:45am tomorrow. Don't be late."

"5:45am sharp."

"And remember, if you violate our agreement there will be harsh consequences to pay." Gabriella's stare bore through Lori like a termite to wood. The message understood.

"This should be a hoot," she whispered to herself when Gabriella, the self-proclaimed priestess of the coven, strode out of the shop. "Witchcraft, boo-pucky. I'm so scared."

"Well?" Kathryn poked her head around the coffee bean rack. "Did she cast a spell on you? Wait. Let me look into your eyes. Okay, pupils normal and reactive."

Kathryn plopped down in the chair and Lori chuckled, "The meeting's tomorrow."

"Are they going to put a mask over your head?" Kathryn drank down the rest of Lori's tepid coffee. "Can I come?"

"And get me bewitched?" Lori feathered her short, reddish hair behind her ears. "Stay at least two cars behind in the slow lane, okay?" 

The plan set, the two said good night and went their separate ways until the early morning hour.

The sun crested over the hills while Lori stood shivering on the street corner. What is the matter with these women anyway? Don’t they know any self-respecting Witch meets in the darkened shadows under the glow of candlelight and incense?

An Exhibition pulled to the curb and Lori hopped into the front seat. The vehicle, packed with ordinary women, jerked away from the roadside. The voices escalated as Gabriella maneuvered through a series of continuous green lights on target to the prescribed destination.

"Why this is--" Lori gasped. 

The Exhibition screeched to a halt and the women quickly scooted out and marched towards the glass doors. Standing in a single line, they extended arms in front of their bosoms and repeatedly flexed both hands open and shut while chanting, "Open, open, open."

Slowly the locked doors opened and the coven welcomed the witches. With purpose, the witches entered with a new incantation under tongue, "Charge it." 

Lori stumbled onto the linoleum floor just as the doors closed tightly behind the one-way spell. Just like Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves she thought. Turning backwards, she read the word “desolC”.

"This is the secret coven?" She said, glaring at Gabriella. “The major department store…”

With the wink of a long lash and the crinkle of her nose, Gabriella tugged her by the elbow. "Hurry, the best deals are gone in the first ten minutes and remember mum's the word."

"What to wear, what to wear?" The witches chanted as they ran up and down the aisles, checking price tags and trying on shoes, looking for the perfect price an hour before the store opened. 

"A bargain hunt? This is modern witchcraft?" 

Gabriella shrugged, "Witches have budgets, too."

"But isn't this Super Saturday?" Lori looked at a store sign.

"Who do you think started that idea?" Gabriella sighed, sarcastically. "Come on, the racks are already getting bare."

Lori grabbed a leather jacket and draped it over her arm. The witches scrambled and fought over sale items and carried armloads to the cash register. Sale after sale rang up at the register, absent of electricity and a sales clerk. Tiny charge slips printed out and faithfully the members of the sisterhood scribbled signatures of credit agreement, interest-free and triple bonus points. 

Lori laid her purchase onto the counter and watched the magical forces fold and package her selection. Cool. She could get the hang of this witchcraft.

Suddenly, a figure appeared at the glass door, peering in, shocked at the private sale in action. Kathryn.

"You!" A witch cursed towards Lori and pointed a rigid finger. "You told someone of our secret coven."

"No…" Lori retreated on her left foot, looking for an escape. 

The witches encircled her, grasped hands and slowly started to cast a spell. The cash register clanged, the drawers flung open and shut violently. Dollar signs flashed by in a blur. The sisterhood sang louder and swayed as one. Voices deepened and a lone cackle erupted as the women chanted a few choice mumble-jumbles.

Lori trembled and hugged her purchase. The machine grew hotter, shuddered and spewed out the charge slip. Eyes focused on the intruder and silence overpowered the room as Lori's hand unwillingly signed the charge slip.

"What? $5,031 for a jacket at 34.9% interest. That's outrageous." Lori protested as her pen zagged the "z" in Razzo. "I'll be paying this off forever."

Gabriella spoke with a wicked laugh, "Month after month after month….pay back's a witch." 

THE BECOMING

My person waits on the outside looking in. I stand next to her. She’s the instigator. I’m the initiator. 

She’s the author. Me – I’m the character. Seems backward, doesn’t it?

Just who is this feisty woman that imagined my life? Temptation too strong, I escape the wall of one-inch margins in search of answers.

“Hi, I’m Mike."

A familiar presence – known like an autumn breeze greeting the darkening shadows, she checks her head to the left and turns to meet my outstretched arm. A confident hand joins mine and a friendship of awakens with the combination of the alphabet.

At ease, she slips her fingers into her pocket; my warm touch still with her. My boyish looks, my clean-shaven face and great butt make her pause. She takes another look.

That was the day I met Cynthia; the creator of me. My genetic DNA a mere 27 letters.

I only knew that I encountered a woman unlike any others and she left me in want of more beyond the distance between A and Z and dog-ear of a paperback.

Her smile edged with a spark of mystery, her Scottish fuse-box temper, her fortitude of a brick ignited my inquiring mind.

She appears to the outside world open and completely upfront - totally predictable. To me she is absolutely - unpredictable.

Just when I think I know her best she ventures beyond my grasp and I hold my breath. I discover her to be an endless mystification.

She is an Aquarius. Not that she buys into the stars but she read once that the most compatible match for her is a Gemini. She tells me she really needs me to be a Gemini because I am the only one who will understand her off-the-wall, inside-out-upside-down personality. So a Gemini I am.

A cosmic twin, a two-fold personality. Thanks, Cin. I am strength of character one day and in search of want the next. I am very complex, athletic and in her mind -- handsome.

She takes me through many adventures and real encounters of life. She promises to nurture but not protect. Sometimes I feel lost but I trust my creator to get me where I need to go.

I love the architect of my being. If I were alive beyond the dimension of words I would date her. She is always in search of adventure. She makes things happen. I am lucky because she takes me with her when she goes exploring. The mysteries of life intrigue her.

I think, no, I know, I fell in love with her the day she looked at me with her wondering eyes, a strand of strawberry blonde hair tucked behind her ear and asked, “Why do snails crawl up walls?”

“Where did that come from?” I asked in shocked response. “I thought we were having a cup of coffee?”

Chin resting in the palm of her hand she eyed me with a puzzled look. “Haven’t you ever wondered why snails climb up walls?”

I sat speechless.

“Have you ever seen a snail crawl back down?” She challenged, waiting for an answer.

Still, I had none. But then of course, how could I have the answer. She is my designer and she doesn’t know the answer so we sipped coffee in stalemate.

She leaned into the table shelving the thought and announced, “Let’s go for a run."

Running is our favorite time together. When we jog along the trail our thoughts merge. Any tangled cobwebs from the day’s stress drop with each forward motion until our mind races freely. We run in unison. I share my concerns and the depth of our relationship.

She breathes in the crisp autumn air and stops to look underneath a leaf. Bug spittle clings to the underside. She thinks it might be frog spit. “What do I think?”

“Of course, whatever, frog spit it is, but what about my problem?” A slight breeze blows through my fabricated form and scatters me temporarily east to west. I gather my self, adjust my parts and sprint to catch her down the next curve.

She runs across the wooden bridge. It bounces with her weight. She slips past the catwalk entrance her pace unfaltering onto the dirt path.

“What problem, Mike? Aren’t you having fun with me? You still have all your hair and you don’t have a potbelly. Is it the tofu in your eggs?” She jumps into a puddle and splashes muddy water on me.

I laugh. I grab her arm and make her stop. I hold her towards me. “No, it's not the tofu." I know it’s good for the prostate, not that I really have one. I feel the tightness of her muscles.

She looks up to me.

“It's just, damn you, sometimes I wish you'd quit hitting that cut and paste button. Just when I think I know who I am you either cut, paste or worse yet -- you hit delete!"

"Oh, that." She stretches her fingers and wiggles out the writer's cramps.

"Yeah, that." I stomp my foot. A knee wobbles and I pause to readjust.

"Didn't you like your part in the murder mystery?" She studies my rugged jaw, etched with a long scar of the attacker's knife. "All the reviewers gave you two thumbs up and Oprah loved you, remember?"

"I hate murder mysteries!" There it is out. I cross my arms and hold my ground, barely. "Can’t I just be me for one day? Don’t you know by now that I am the person standing next to you?”

"Out! Out! Out!" She grabs her temples and squeezes. "Get out of my head."

"Don't you get it? I move to her side. "I am out of your head." I inch closer and whisper, "I'm in your heart now."

A bird chirps in the tree. A rabbit scurries across the trail. We stand vacant of words.

She picks up a small rock and skips it across the water. Hands on slim hips she counts the number of ripples on the water and says, "Both of us are in a place of becoming, still changing. I haven’t a clue to our tomorrow." A drop of sweat slowly trails down the side of her flushed cheek. "Sometimes cut and paste is the best choice to help us grow."

Hands in my pocket my feet kick the dirt. I turn to stare out across the lake. I like who I am. I like who she is. She wants more for me, for us. Her hand gently touches my shoulder.

“Do you really want me to tell the whole world about when you…”

“…You wouldn’t. That’s between us.” The memory of the secret makes me smile and agree best kept on a cutting board. “Okay, so sometimes a little editing is good.” I resolve.

Her eyes twinkle, her face lights with the sunshine of her smile. “It's part of our becoming Mike, all just part of our becoming…”

American Idol Top Nine Honor Your Idol

With Dianne Warwick in the audience, the flag of redemption raised for Heejun and nine fantastic performances, what can I say? The night was the best in American Idol history. No a shrill, squeak or not-my-fault-frown from any contestant.  Come to think of it, this year the attitude on stage is high octane par one.

Each contestant shined as they honored their idol in music. The idol's song. Elise surprised the pants off Stephen Tyler with her rock-n-rock.

Jessica commanded the stage and let her voice take you on a journey. Humble with much potential.

Phillip, always a favorite, poured his life into each and every note. Love his low-drop to a growl and pull me back up. A top three contender. One of my favorites, if pushed to admit.

Colton demonstrated a softer-side and left us with our emotions embraced in the "One". Showed a vulnerable side and I loved it.

Ah Joshua, you get under our skin. On a side note, the jacket didn't do it.

Everyone stepped up a player last night. The applause is probably still echoing in the hall so I'll take a stab and pick my exit vote based on the entire package.

My exit vote is: Heejun

American IdoI Top Ten - Billy Joel

AMERICAN IDOL TOP TEN 2012 

8:00pm across American and it's American Idol and away we go. 

Billy Joel and TommyHilfiger. What a duo. 

Tonight’s theme is Billy Joel. I love Joel’s music. It taps into the story telling of every day life: the heartache, the mundane, and the Uptown girl. Can they step up and do justice to the Piano Man? 

Tommy Hilfiger dons the stage to pull the contestants to star appeal. Hopefully he didn’t watch “The Voice” and all we see are females in scantily-clad outfits with Blake drooling on the sideline. 

Stephen Tyler – Tommy Hilfiger’s worse nightmare. Flowers on the mike were a curious addition. With the black stripes on varying black stripes accented with bulbous silver beads for a moment I thought Jack Skeleton was a guest judge. Tommy probably popped an antacid or two. 

Now on to the show. Randy deferred to Jennifer several times. Man up Randy and speak your mind without backup. 

01 – DeAndre – The good may die young. An omen? Beware, you may be on *death* row in the American Idol contest. Sunglasses tucked into the neckline of his undershirt. Cool for the beach. Not sure on stage. 

02 -  Erika – Love the hair! Gutsy girl ready to take a chance and it paid off. I almost feel like I’m in a New York state of mind. Believable. Excellent tonight. 

03 – Joshua - I disagree Jennifer. I connected although not his type of song. Danger zone for Joshua is too much of the same vocals. Tame it down and turn it around. Still a top five contender. 

04 – Skylar – Shameless it wasn’t Garth. 

05 – Elise – Powerful! Owned herself tonight. There’s something in her persona that reminds me of Mariah Carey. A look and yes, the feathering of the fingers with the run and perhaps the framing of the hair. Wasn’t thrilled with the flowing dress but the vocals were her best. Great job! 

Okay, so far Tommy is battling resistance on styling up the contestant. Bell bottoms or over powering dress. Neither one works. 

06 -  Phil – If that’s what it’s all about, then I’m moving out. You sold me. 99% of Americans should embrace the words of that Billy Joel song and make it their motto. Phil knows Phil. Wouldn’t change a thing. One of the top five contestants. 

07 - Jessica – Raw talent with vulnerable flaws. Tame the horse but don’t break the spirit. 

08 – Hollie – She’s so cute and definitely dressed better tonight. Score one for Tommy. Honesty is one of my favorite songs but honestly, she didn’t quite grasp it to her ability. Not bad just not great. Frankly, I was distracted by the dandelion blowing in the background. Back to weeding tomorrow. 

09 – Heejun – Entertaining, pitchy, draining my patience. Perfect exit song. You’ll go out in style. Your style. 

10 – Colton – Master musician, artist and entertainer. Knows how to pick the perfect song to please the audience and pull them in and after all isn’t that the mark of a great performer? He’s here for the long run and glad for it. 

My exit vote for tonight is: Heejun 

What’s your take?

Billy, did they do you proud? A Downtown girl who grew up on Uptown music, I say yes.

American Idol Top 13 - Let The Battle Begin

American Idol Season 11

Notepad in hand, volume churned up a notch, and a chilled glass of Frei Brothers Chardonnay in hand, I’m ready for the top 13 contestants of season eleven. With the buttery warmth of a California Russian River Valley wine, I curl on the couch and sip in anticipation. What’s this? Ryan grew an inch. Love the extra length of his stacked hair. It adds dimension and sex appeal. Nice touch. 

Let the battle begin: 

01 – Joshua.  Energized, believable, depth-of-soul performance. No doubt, easy front runner. Left-hand plays like a penguin in dance. 

02 – Elise. “Not My Baby Tonight”.  Struggles with feedback. Hmm….oh no, Randy deferred feedback to Jennifer. Not a good sign. 

03 – Jermaine. Love, love, love his voice. Stay… 

04 – Erika. Deep, rich vocals. Didn’t quite work for me. Perhaps not capable Whitney’s range. 

For a decade selecting a Whitney Houston song was the dreaded exit-curse. In respect, I understand, but still difficult songs to deliver. 

05 – Colton. Hit a homerun with team Daughtrey and Cook. Way to go! I'm going to love this season. 

06 – Shannon. No, no , the Randy defer to Jennifer again. Like Dawg, quit passing the bad news to Jennifer to deliver. Man-up. Fair is fair. Rough night, overwhelmed by the song. Too big a song for a young soul. Next time. 

07 – Deander. Local boy. Not bad but stay focused. Tends to lose stage presence. 

08 – Skylar. Top contender. Now I know just where my broken heart went. It went South.  Country girl rocks. Excellent! 

09 – Heejan. Randy to Jennifer for the third time. Randy, please watch the play backs and step up to the plate and deliver your own uncensored comments. Smooth notes but pouts on stage. Not a front runner. 

10 – Holly. Proof. Great gifts come in small packages. Goosies. 

11 -  Jeremy. Lovable. Beautiful smooth voice. Complete package? Not sure. Yet. 

12 – Jessica. Untouchable. Sign her yesterday. Incredible tribute to Whitney. Embraced in Whitney’s presence in the last three notes. Haunting. 

13 – Phillip. Quirky, unique, energized. My type of performer. 

In the danger zone:  Shannon, Deander and Elise. 

Safe on home plate:  Jessica, Holly, Skylar, Phillip and Colton. 

Now to pick up the phone and cast my equal opportunity votes for: Joshua, Colton,  Jermaine, Skylar, Jeremy, Holly, Jessica and Phillip.  A job well-done deserves a vote. A job superbly-done, deserves redial. 

The Round Up is on the vine, let the weeding begin…and how does your finger dial? 

No More Turkeys

Beware of turkeys bearing turkeys


NO MORE TURKEYS

"Somebody answer the phone!" I lug the twenty-two pound turkey into the kitchen, plop it on the breadboard and drop my keys. The phone screams a fourth ring.

"Hi, this is Ned," a husky voice greets me.

"Hi, Ned," my arms ache from carrying in the bulky groceries. I hunch my shoulders to release the tension.

"My company gave me a turkey and if you're, you know, not... "I pause and listen. "I thought I could bring it over and we could have Thanksgiving together." I peek at the frozen tom headless on the chopping board.

"Sure Ned that would be great." I fake enthusiasm.

"I make killer mashed potatoes and gravy." Oh, my stomach remembers - potatoes loaded with sour cream, shredded cheese, whole milk and "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter".

I reach to the cupboard and scout out the Maalox supply.

"How about one o'clock then Thanksgiving Day?" The trap is set. "And Neddy's coming, too. Is that all right?"

"Sure." What's another kid I concede. "Pumpkin pie, okay?"

I turn back to the groceries and make mental rearrangements in my mind for a couple more people on Thanksgiving Day. I grab bags of cranberries and toss them into the refrigerator.

"Buy out the store?" Krista checks through the brown paper packages on the kitchen table. She snatches an orange and jabs a fingernail into the peel. "While you were out Kyle, your hiking pal, stopped by with a turkey. Something about 'he got it at work and thought we might like to have it'."

"A turkey?" 

"I put it in the freezer." Orange peels drop and the fragrant juice lotions her fingers.

I open the freezer door and a twelve-pound turkey wrapped in white plastic fills the left corner. I shove packages to the rear.

"I think he was sort of hoping we'd invite him to Thanksgiving dinner." She rummages through groceries and stacks cans on the table.

"Hmm? Ned and his son are coming." I finger count the guests - two plus four. That's six at the table. I count chairs - six.

"Not Neddy, Mom!" She pops a finger down her throat and gags.

"Stop that." Memory tells me the kid turns my stomach, too. "It's Thanksgiving and nobody should be alone. Besides they're bringing a turkey also."

"But what's that on the breadboard?" The card-special-turkey for $5.99 glistens with frost. "Isn't that a turkey?"

"Afraid so." I tap my finger on the counter, open the freezer door and say, "Move over Tom. Here comes your bud."

"That makes three turkeys." Krista shakes her head. "We're going to be eating turkey sandwiches forever."

"And don't forget the soup." We laugh and remember we hate turkey sandwiches. "I guess I better call Kyle. We'll squeeze him in somewhere."

The days grow long, the shadows play over the sidewalk and Thanksgiving Day arrives. I check the television guide for the Thanksgiving parade time and NFL football. Pumpkin pies cool on the counter, the broccoli casserole is mixed and ready to bake and the first batch of dishes is washed. I scrub and cook for hours.

My sons, Kent and Jake, put a leaf in the table, bring in the picnic table benches, arrange candles and the mood is set.

"Time to get Tom cooking." I say.

A seasoned pro better than the herb stuffing, I pull the knobs from the burners, lift the chrome face off the stove and turn on the oven. I grasp two bare wires, tap them to the metal griddle and hot- wire the oven. The old stove sparks; the gas ignites. I get down on all fours, lower the broiler door and bend my head sideways. I double check, the gas flame flickers - good. I slip the dismantled parts back in place and applaud my survival skills - a master makeshift repairman.

Kent watches the ritual and frowns, "Mom, you're going to blow us up someday."

I bake for hours in the kitchen, apron tied around waist, turkey stuffed and popped in the oven. The crippled stove struggles to maintain gas supply to all the burners and oven. I hear the slight poof on the gas line and adjust the temperature. Poof gone.

Ned and little Ned arrive arms full of goodies. Kyle turns on the football game - a Thanksgiving Day tradition.

"Mom, come quick!" Krista kneels on the sofa and watches through the mini-blinds.

"What's the problem?" I drop my rolling pin, brush flour against my face and run to the living room.

She separates a blind. I bend to peek. "There's a guy coming up the walk with a turkey in his hands."

"Not another one." We stare.

"And he's got a dog."

"You know who that is don't you?" I nudge her shoulder. "That's the single guy down the street. You know, what's his name with the immaculate yard and white fence."

"Ahh…look. It's just a puppy."

The door bell chimes and I answer. Guy and dog with turkey on doorstep, unfair strategy.

"Hi, I live down the street." He extends a firm grip and the dog wags its tail. "I won this turkey at the local department store and since I'm all alone I thought maybe you could…it's fresh." He pushes the lifeless flesh in my arms. "I brought champagne, too."

I stand plump with poultry.

"Boy, something sure smells good." He lingers on the doorstep. "Reminds me when I was a kid and our entire family…did I tell you I'm Italian?" His gaze drops to the ground. "Anyway, we had great get togethers before they all moved away." He pats the eager pup behind the ears. "Now it's just DaShiell and me."

I kneel down and stroke the flaps of skin on the toddler bloodhound. Front paws straddle my shoulders and a tongue tickles my chin. I turn to the man attached to the leash, "And you must be…"

"…Sam."

I perch my hands on my hands and wait. There's got to be more. I wait for a pipe and sleuth coat to materialize. Nothing. I gaze at the scar etched along his temple; the rogue hair poking from his brow. Still, he offers no more.

"Well then, come on in Sam. The football game's just getting started."

He ties his partner in crime to the porch, steps in and kicks off his loafers. Clean socks, no exposed toes, good touch.

"Everyone, this is Sam. He's coming to dinner." Hands wave. Sons and male friends root and swear from the living room floor and couch.

"DaShiell. What kind of name is that for a dog?" I head to the kitchen, arms freezing with turkey, Krista at my heels.

"Babe bait, Mom."

"Ma, I think you better tone down your scent of a woman or something." Jake pokes his head around the corner. "We're running out of chairs."

"Like I said 'babe bait'." Krista scoots pies to the left window corner and I drop the bird on the counter. "Now we have four turkeys." she gasps.

"Krista," I pull her deep into the room of treats and roasting turkey and whisper, "Beware of turkeys bearing turkeys--especially single ones." I pour a tall glass of champagne and the bubbles pop under my nose.

Krista looks at the three men complete with kid and dog cheering the holiday game. "These guys think you're dessert, don't they?" eyes wide with discovery.

With a sigh I lean against the ceramic counter and swirl the gold liquid in the fluted glass. "It also means they're hungry and don't know how to cook."

"Say where's your friend Arlene today? Maybe she'd like to come over."

"Oh didn't I tell you? She stopped in for some cajun wings at the Chicken Palace last week and she met-"

"Not Denny?"

"Worse. She hooked up with Sly, the cook." I grab my chest and swoon against the counter, "She's 'in love'."

"Again?"

"Well at least for this week."

"What about Jodie?" She starts down my list of girl pals.

"Nah, she flew home to Iowa for the holidays." I count again the men in the front room. "Forget it, we're on our own kid."

Shouts and loud clapping travel from the front room. Score one for the favored team; score zero for Mom.

The kitchen phone rings and I tuck the headset against my shoulder. "Hello?"

"Happy Thanksgiving." A melodic voice returns.

"Hi Maggie. I haven't heard from you in awhile. This is a surprise." I wink at Krista and motion for her to mash the sweet potatoes.

"Yeah, I know my Dad and I've been busy." The teen stumbles on her apology, "but we, I mean, I was wondering are you making your broccoli casserole today?"

I look through the glass window of the oven door. The casserole bubbles, the edges golden brown. "Where are you going for Thanksgiving dinner, Maggie?"

"I'm making dinner for my Dad and me," again a pause.

"And what are you making?" I hesitate to know.

"We haven't gone to the store yet." Her voice drops, "You know my Dad, 'there's always tomorrow'."

"You haven't gone shopping?" The hands on the clock extend well past 2:00pm. "Would you and your Dad like to join us for dinner?" I swing the cabinet door open and bring out two more place settings. "However, there's one catch."

"I can make a salad. I have a bag of lettuce." The girl pleads.

"Salad's wonderful," I shove my mix of greens back in the refrigerator. "Tell your Dad if he'd like to come to dinner he has to call me first. You know he hasn't called in over five months."

"He's such a putz." We laugh, hang up and seconds later...

"This is Bob. I was just calling to say hello."

"Bob? Oh, hello. This is a surprise." I feign excitement. I drag another bench along the linoleum and rearrange the table display. "I hear you're coming to dinner. Great. Would you mind stopping at the store for a pie?" I nudge Krista, smile and add, "Seems dessert is a popular item on the menu today."

"Sure…" the familiar click of an electronic goodbye.

"Men." Krista shakes her head. "Maybe we should disconnect the phone?"

"Nah, just check caller ID." We nod in agreement. "We won't answer anymore numbers from guys in want of a hot meal."

"Or dessert," she pops an olive in her mouth and laughs.

"Okay, so now we have ten for dinner." I pour another glass of champagne. "And we ain't even Italian."

"Well, at least Kent and Jake will be happy," Krista mocks Maggie's full bosom, "Little Ms. let-your-boobs-hang-out is coming over." 

Ah yes, teenage sons.

The smells of the day take over the house. Ned hauls in his potato offering, Kyle stirs gravy and Sam takes a bowl of water to DaShiell. We wait for Bob and Maggie to arrive.

The oven goes poof-poof-poof.

I check on the turkey. The legs stiff, not wiggling freely, I pop it back in for another twenty minutes. The football game continues.

We nibble on snacks and watch the fire dance in the fireplace. I walk outside and take an up and down peek along the street. No Bob and Maggie.

The hour hits four. We gather for dinner and give thanks. Sam carves the steaming bird empty of stuffing and everyone grabs a fork.

A solid knock on the front door interrupts the meal. Already knowing who is on the other side, I push back my chair and leave my napkin on the seat.

"Hi Maggie," I give the girl a hug, her breasts bare just above the nipple line. "We're just starting to eat. Come on in." I shoot Bob a 'how dare you' look. I swear it flies over his head and keeps going West.

"Happy Turkey Day," he hands me a mincemeat pie, boasts a bottle of Boone's Farm Fuzzy Navel and lands a three-second kiss on my lips.

"Here, let me uncork the wine for you." Kyle greets the newcomer with a corkscrew.

"No problem. I got it." With a quick twist Bob turns the bottle cap and pours the orange liquid into his glass. "Anybody?" He holds up the beverage.

We shuffle chairs and Bob plops down at the head of the table. Kyle, Sam and Ned frown.

"Mom?" Krista swirls her fork in her yams and leans shoulder to shoulder, "I think you have a problem." She glances at the three men.

I cut my turkey and whisper, "it's going to get better."

"Man, that was a great football game." Ned pours gravy over three of the nine items on his plate.

"Yeah, that last play was about the best I've seen in a long time." Kyle relives the final touchdown.

"I didn't think the wide receiver had a chance of catching that ball." Kent motions a long pass with a buttered roll.

"Foosball, foosball, foosball." Bob drones.

"You don't like football?" Sam plants the question and waits.

"What guy doesn't like football?" Ned scores a point. "Gosh, remember when Montana--"

I raise the bottle high and look to shift the conversation. "More wine?"

I watch the men and study the selection of guys-wanting-to-be-mine.

Ned toting double six-packs of blubber under what might be a taunt six-pack. Not a muscle in sight. Neddy flings a pea from his fork. The pea lands in Jake's hair.

No, not Ned or son.

Bob, lopsided beard, hole in pant's pocket, nice guy but always a day late. Single father of adolescent girl. Non-football fan.

No chance.

Kyle spoons a large mound of stuffing into his mouth. He lifts his wineglass for a fourth refill. His elbow slips from the table.

Sam sits across from me. The late afternoon sun highlights gray strands woven in his thick dark waves. The bulge of his biceps expands the thin cloth of his knit shirt as he passes the Jello salad.

Hmm? Man and dog.

Dinner disappears amid stifled and superficial conversation. We rub swollen stomachs and clear the table.

"That was delicious, " Ned cuddles me from behind and adds, "How about I take a look under the hood of your car. Isn't it pinging or something?" He squeezes my waist and moves in closer.

"That would be wonderful Ned. " I turn, my hands covered with soapsuds and pull back. "I do think it needs a tune-up." He gives me a peck, asks for the keys and heads for the driveway.

Krista dries a dish. "Where's he going?"

"He's going to where all guys go on Thanksgiving after the football games, after the dinner," I nod towards the front yard. "To work on cars. What else is left."

"Mom come take a look," again we peek out the blinds. "Bob's out there, too."

"Not Bob?" I lean back, sit on the couch and laugh tears to my cheek. "He hates working on cars."

"He must really want you Mom."

"Observe and learn daughter-of-mine." I pull open the door and hear Bob shop-talk spark plugs. Ned ups the ante with precise documentation of fuel-injection engines. Kyle contradicts the stats and the conversation escalates.

"This is funny." She stands next to me, looking at the male beast tote its feathers. "Even DaShiell's doing tricks." The puppy jumps sideways in the air and snags a rubber disc.

"And look over there," I point to the over-developed Maggie smiling sweetly at my sons. "She's got the boys right where she wants them." The boys wash and wax her silver Tercel.

'Men." Krista giggles and notes, "Looks like you've got four admirers."

"Yep," I curl my arm around her shoulder.

"They don't stand a chance, do they Mom?" She looks at the flock of men.

"They're great friends, but no," and then with another look, "Well, maybe Sam. Ugly dog. Still -" something about that duo intrigues.

She sports a thumbs-up on my choice.

"What else needs fixing around here?" She eyes the house and turns to me.

"Let's see -- the fence is falling down and the bathroom faucet drips." I chalk up all the repairs and start making a list. "And then there's the stove."

"I'll get the toolbox, Mom." Krista hurries out the backdoor and returns with a metal box.

"Oh Bob," I call from the porch, "Kyle? Do you have a minute?"

I turn to Krista and add, "Thanksgiving's a day to give thanks and remember one can have too many turkeys."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Copyright 2003